CHARACTER

I read through my blogs of the past 12 months.

I've always used my blogs as a sounding board for my own emotions and feelings. Reading them now made me realise that I had already identified my own problems way before this. I keep promising myself to make changes, but somehow never put those changes into place. I always have little spurts of motivation, which somehow melts away into oblivion soon after I make a little effort to change things.

Bad habits are hard to break, but this time I HAVE to break them. If I fail, it will be the biggest regret of my life. I have caused everyone to lose faith in me. The only person left who I need to account to is myself. Do I really want to live a life of regret? Or do I want to take charge and finally make the changes within me that I truly deserve?

My 7 Deadly Sins

1. Insecurity - This has led to alot of self doubt and low self esteem which in turn leads to me constantly seeking for rewards and recognition for the things that I do ("From scratch"). It also makes me harbour resentment when others do better than me, or when I perceive that someone else is more well liked. Jealousy is an ugly trait, even more so when the jealousy is unwarranted and arises out of insecurity. The control freak in me refuses to allow others to take over things from me simply because I don't want them to be better than me at doing it. When in actual fact, the common good of everyone would be better served by having someone else take over the job.
2. Irresponsibility - My inability to take responsibility for my own actions. I'm constantly making excuses for myself or blaming the problems on others. The worst part about it is I expect others to help me resolve the problems by making it their problem as well. Playing the victim has been an easy way out because everyone wants to help the victim right? Nevermind that they have chipped in to help over and over again. It's not my fault, so they can't blame it on me! I've never seriously considered the consequences of this until now. I've taken it for granted that someone will always solve my problems because the problems are never my fault. Even when I created the problem, I conveniently lie about it so that it becomes someone else's mistake.
3. Dishonesty - Trying to hide the truth is always a bad idea. Yet how often have I done it? Sure, it's nice and fine when no one finds out about it, but the moment someone does, it goes downhill from there. We've all told small white lies sometimes, but I've made it such a habit that its become a bad character trait. I say things I don't mean and thus allow the trust that others have in me to be slowly erroded. Even when I make promises, I conveniently put them on the shelf, only to make good on them when it becomes an urgent matter. Worst still, I make promises that I cannot keep, but promise anyway, just for the sake of getting people off my back or trying to resolve a current situation.
4. Procrastination - The laziness in me keeps on putting off doing things. Even if something can be done today, I always think there is a tomorrow. This results in endless strings of "Last Minute" problems which can obviously be avoided if I started on it earlier. My difficulty lies in being unable to prioritise what needs to be done. I can't seem to weigh the proper importance of things and emphasize too much on the unimportant while neglecting the truly important and urgent. This also ties in with the fact that I have weak follow up skills. I keep starting things but never finishing them. I lack the commitment to complete projects, even the ones which I start with great enthusiasm.
5. Negativity - Instead of listening to the advice of my well-meaning friends and family, I have wallowed in an increasingly bigger puddle of self pity and misery. Making a martyr of myself by showing how much I am "suffering", I have alienated those who love me when I simply refuse to see the solutions that they show me. Instead, I persevere in convincing myself that other people need to treat me better before I can be happy. I am unhappy when others do not see the world the way I see it and refuse to do things to make me happy. My expectations of others have been unrealistic while my expectations of myself have been non-existant.
6. Selfishness - I have been far too selfish and focused on my own needs and wants, completely ignoring the bigger picture around me. Somewhere along the way, I have stopped caring about other people. I am impatient when they ask me for help. I am quick to anger when they do not do things the way I want. All I care about is getting people to do things MY way on MY terms. I have forgotten what it is like to help people, to spend time to nurture their feelings, to care about the people around me. I have hurt the people around me because I just don't care about them enough. I just care about myself.
7. Irrationality - I have let my emotions rule me, thus doing everything because of how I feel instead of doing things after rationalisation. I have become a bundle of unstable energy that can explode at any point of time because I refuse to sit down to think. I am impulsive and rash in my decision making on everything. I want results and I want them NOW. I don't care who I hurt on the way or what are the consequences of the actions that I take.

Where do I begin to take down these 7 deadly sins? How do I start? The only answer I have is to start digging within for my own character. The character I know to exist. The sins are simply BAD HABITS.

I CAN BREAK THEM.

I MUST BREAK THEM.

My 7 Goals

1. Self Confidence - I need to once again find what I do best and start building on my strengths. I must stop comparing myself to others and start finding things about myself that I like again. I need to learn to let go and stop being such a control freak. I can excel at what I do best. I can be a team player. I can be confident. I do not need to gain confidence by putting others down. Confidence comes from within. I can learn to improve myself instead of constantly feeling insecure. I can identify my weaknesses and work on them.
2. Responsibility - I can be responsible. I can stop making excuses. I can stop being the victim. I am responsible for my own actions and must not depend on others to solve my problems. I must realise that when I fail in my responsibilities, I am letting people down. I can stop blaming other people. I can start admitting my own mistakes. I must stop taking other people for granted and taking their help for granted.
3. Honesty - I can be honest.  I can stop lying to others and more importantly, I can stop lying to myself. I must not make empty promises. I must only make promises that I can keep. In order to regain trust, I need to only say things that I mean. I must stop hiding things and start being open again.
4. Commitment - I can stop being lazy and start taking action. I can do what can be done tomorrow today. I can learn to prioritise and not neglect issues that will eventually escalate. I must finish things that I start, or else I should not start them at all.
5. Positivity - I can start think positively. I must listen to others when they are trying to talk to me. I must stop being the martyr. I must stop building my happiness upon other people and start making myself happy. I must start trying to understand others instead of constantly asking them to understand me. I must stop having expectations of other people and start having expectations of myself.
6. Selflessness - I do care about others. I need to reinstate this love and care for the people around me. I can be patient and kind. I can control my temper. I can stop hurting them. I must stop worrying about myself and start worrying about others. I must stop focusing on my own needs and wants and instead start focusing on how I can help others.
7. Rationality - I must think. I must stop acting on feelings and start acting on thoughts. I can be stable. I need to stop myself from being rash. I must count to 10. I must consider the consequences of any actions. I must remember that what I do affects not only myself, but those around me. 

True strength comes from within. At this point, no one can help me achieve my goals, other then myself. These goals will be a constant reminder that only when I achieve each of them, will I truly be myself again. It is pointless to complain about problems when there are no solutions. I have been constantly BMWing (Bitching, Moaning, Whinging)

It stops TODAY.

For the final time, a brand new me.

I WILL BUILD MY CHARACTER AGAIN.