The Demons Within

I've had alot of time to read and think over the past week. The complete break from my normal routine has been painful, but yet surprisingly healing.

Sleeping in unfamiliar places, waking up at the crack of dawn, taking public transportation.

I've been saying for the longest time that I need a real break. I guess this is the time that the break has come.

In the course of reading some self help books, I've come to realise that we are all built by our experiences in life. More importantly, our childhood shapes our view of the world and is the actual foundation of how each of us react to situations that we encounter later in life.

The state of our emotional being dates back to our earliest interactions with our family. The different family backgrounds and experiences that we have enables us to react differently to life. No two people are the same. Even if they are born into the same family or are twins, no two people share the exact same experiences and therefore, given any situation, no one will react in the exact same way.

Reaction.

All of us live life in our own way. However, some people are better at handling life than others. Many times, we simply just react to situations. Something happens, we move. When nothing is happening, we are content to plod along, occasionally stopping to smell the flowers, or falling asleep under a tree. 

So what happens to the wounds that we sustain along the journey? We could be falling asleep under the tree, when a durian falls on our head and leaves a big gaping wound. Do we just ignore it and continue trying to sleep, eventually bleeding to death in the process? Do we stand up and kick the tree in revenge? Or do we go in search for something to bandage the wound with and at the same time, move on in the journey?

On my own journey, I've sustained alot of wounds. Some of these wounds have healed, some have formed ugly scars, others are still bleeding and there are some very fresh wounds that need attending to.

My problem has always been not confronting the past. The amount of guilt I am carrying on my shoulders has weighed me down far too much. A mixture of my anger, resentment, lost dreams and regrets haunt me, even when they are only on my subconscious.

In order to take this chance and finally exorcise the demons within, I have decided to take control and confront the past. Only when I make peace with the past can I continue living in the present and look at the future ahead.

This may be a long and traumatic experience. But it is better to rid myself of it now, then wait another 27 years before doing so. Please be patient during this ride.