One Year On

One year ago today, my life as I knew it came crashing down...

Today is my Dad's first death anniversary. A year ago, around this time, I got home and found my Dad sitting in his favourite living room chair.

Motion-less.
Breath-less
Pulse-less.

The ensuing few days were a blur to me. I simply remember alot of tears, alot of people, alot of traditions.

I remember hugging my brother and crying in relief when he first arrived back in Singapore.
I remember kneeling next to the coffin, burning joss paper.
I remember walking in white socks behind the hearst.

There are days when I wonder if I could have done anything more.

Could I have brought him to the hospital, instead of bringing him to a Traditional Chinese Medical Hall?
Could I have rushed home earlier in the day, instead of going for an event?
Could I have gone home the night before, instead of staying at Ash's?

Could have,
Would have,
Should have.

It blends into an unknown for me.
The questions haunt me still.

As I drove myself to Bright Hill today, I wondered about all the different possibilities and how my life could be better or worst due to any of the combinations. Yet, what is the point of wondering when there is already a Reality? I am tired of the "Maybes". I wish I could simply let go. I cannot understand why I still shoulder the guilt, when everyone else has pointed out that I couldn't have done more.

"He is only your step-dad and is not your responsibility. You have already done your daughterly duty by providing for him while he was living under your roof."

He was alone. I could have been with him, but I chose to lead the life of my own. Selfishness on my part, yet a selfishness that I thought I deserved. Perhaps this is karma. The selfishness to attain my own happiness resulted in that happiness disintegrating on me.

Hopefully at some point, I'll learn to let go. Right now, I still can't.

I am still fighting the demons alone, with no way of salvation or redemption.