LIFE, or something like it...

I remember reading Great Expectations by Charles Dickens, the abridged version back in primary school. Later on in life, I dissected the full version as part of a literature course in school.

Humans will always be humans. We have expectations of life. We believe that whatever we invest, we should yield some returns. Many times, we believe that we put in SOOOO MUCH EFFORT and we expect this EFFORT to translate into a REWARD of some sort.

INVESTMENT != RETURNS

There are days when INVESTMENTS > RETURNS and some days when INVESTMENTS < RETURNS. There are also some rare days when INVESTMENTS = RETURNS! Whatever the case, we should not be allowing an obscure equation rule our life.

I've been stuck in an uncomfortable comfort zone of late. I keep thinking to myself that everything is ok. Just live life as it is and wait to see where it takes me. Not really realising that things are rapidly falling apart around me and I have absolutely no idea WHY?! While I like to believe that I'm in control of certain situations, I have to admit that at some point, its entirely out of my league. And that translates into a whole new ball game. One that I don't even know the rules, much less know how to score in...

How do I propose to get myself out of this rut? Over the years, I've realised that I sometimes back myself into a corner and am unable to find a way out of it.  While I work very hard to maintain an illusion of being in control, I forget that its an illusion and will eventually disintegrate into nothingness when a prick of a needle could burst the dream. I get myself all depressed and worked up over the most stupid and ridiculous things, which I eventually look back and laugh because OH MY GOD! Its SOOOO STUPID!

How to break this vicious cycle? How to attain a level of happiness that requires minimal work to upkeep? How to bring out the best in myself and through that, bring out the best in others?

A very important issue sometimes is how when I meet a problem, I look at it and see if its a friendly one. If its not, I'll just push it into a dark cupboard somewhere and hope that eventually it will resolve itself. That's often not the case. Unfriendly problems have a way of becoming humungous monsters in the cupboard. They will eventually become strong enough to break out of the cupboard and BITE YOUR FRIGGING ASS!

Someone whom I have great respect for had a long talk with me today. 4 hours worth of talk. Looking back at it, I find that I wasn't even aware that my life had slid to this point. I was happily living in a world where without confronting the problem, I assumed it would go away eventually. What started out as a possibly friendly problem has become a full fledged GODZILLA cum T-REX that's ready to eat me alive. In fact, its already begun to tear me apart. And I wasn't even aware of it. Now THAT'S the scary part.

I always like to tell people that I am where I am today, because of the paths in life that I have chosen to walk. Happy or not, I made that choice. Smart or not, that's another question altogether.

It's time to start taking some real responsibilities and stop building my own personal happiness on other people's shoulders. In the same respect, I need to start facing the music and pick things up from where it used to be. I remember being a happy, independant and confident person. Yet, somewhere, somehow, I've allowed myself to morph into a depressed, dependent and insecure FREAK that if it was someone else, I would be LAUGHING MY ASS OFF!!!

The problems that I've put away in the cupboard need to be taken out and the damn cupboard needs to be chopped up and BURNT! Only then will I be able to start the process of rebuilding the ME that I like, love and respect. The ME that is happy, independant and confident. The ME that I believe still resides in the corner of the dark universe that consumes me right now.