November 9, 2001 · 3:57 pm

Untitled entry

Some days, you can never break into the good mood. You wake up grouchy, everything goes wrong. the person whom you love doesn't give a fucking damn. what's the point in living? you live, you die, you might kill someone in the process, hurt thousands, gain a few enemies, make perhaps one true friend, or make non at all. such pain and yet we still live thru it. wtf for? why don't we just stand up and give up? just tell ourselves that it's over, it's a dumb game.

sometimes we do things that we can't understand. we indulge in something that we know we cannot afford to. we make ourselves happy in the short run, but miserable in the long run. why? is that human nature? are we just naturally this fucked up?

sometimes, i wish i could burst and just cry to the people whom i love, but no one would understand, the pain, the anguish, the hurt, the sorrow. what am i supposed to do? how am i suppose to make everything better? it will never go away. a little deep dark secret in my heart, which aches in time. it comes and goes, makes me see it. and makes me cry. i will never get over it, never forgive myself, never understand it, and never let anyone know about it. it will always be a secret, always be there.

Pain, does it make us grow? does it make us better people? or does it just hurt us everyday? day by day? hour by hour? minute by minute? and second by second. the lies, the deceit, everything rolled into something.

some days, we just wake up and want to make everything go away, OR wish we could turn back time and redo everything. if i could, i would soooo turn around and redo everything in my life. just everything

*a frustrated and end of rope me*

Historical comments (4)

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ZashiaQSharr · 11/15/2001 9:12 PM

Keep yer chin up, girl. Couldn't be as bad as my slitting my wrists a couple of weeks ago. Secrets kept are good and well because it makes us aware of who we really are. Secrets that make you unable to fully function as a complete human being, that is the part where things break down. Tell someone, anyone that you feel close enough to confide in. Do it anonymously, anything, just get it off your chest and come to terms with it.

- Sitting there with glass in my hands, watching the blood on my knees from the cuts as I fell to the broken glass on the floor. Looking at myself outside myself. I am pathetic. I made it be that way. I saw myself as what I became and it was my own fault. The cuts did not hurt anymore, the gashes on my wrist did not throb. Everything just felt numb. Then I woke up. The pain came. At least be thankful you feel pain. I was thankful for it. Then and there I knew I wanted to live. I wanted to move on despite all Hell's winds thrown at my face. I know I've not experienced half the hardship of people out there but I just feel that no one should experience the kind of emotional breakdown I felt. People say you just bring it on yourself. It's all true. You have the power to change it all. With people who love you and are willing to listen and to trust in you to trust them, we make it through. We always have. I had. This isn't something I take delight in retelling or reliving. -

Always know there will be someone out there, it may be me...it mayn't. Just thought you'd like to know.

- My piece of darkness

TaMaraR · 11/15/2001 11:42 PM

Jess you're back! I wish that it were on better terms though. But keep your head up and your eyes open for blessings. God never places on us more than we can bear. Be strong enough to endure the bad, so that you may live to see the good. I love you, we all love you and more than anything we want you to live! Not for us or for others, but for YOU!!!! *kisses*

Faldor · 11/16/2001 5:00 AM

Sorry Jess we can't unmake, cannot undo things (basic sorcerer wisdom).

But we can start anew.

Everyday.

ZashiaQSharr · 12/7/2001 4:06 AM

Faldor speaks wisely. I agree.

- My piece of darkness.