· 7:51 am
Untitled entry
Original Xanga entry ↗As I write this, I have tears running down my face, almost obscuring the screen from my view. I have regrets, running in my heart.
For the past 7 years of my life, I have devoted it to my ex-boyfriend. Because of that, I had lived a life that revolved around him, was always about him... and because of that, I lost many of the important friendships in my life. Every spare moment I had was spent with him... and in that event, I came to neglect the wonderful friends I had made in Secondary school, in Junior College, at work... Everyone... I never truly realised the extent of that, until today.
For a long time, I have not talked about this, but I think today I will. When I was in secondary school, I had a few close friends. Among us, we were so close that we opted to go to the same junior college when we graduated. When I left secondary school, I did not keep in contact with the people there. The only ones I did were those who were in the same school as me. And even with them, because I spent all my free time with my boyfriend, I never did anything with them and we drifted apart.
In junior college, I spent all my time with my classmates... but they also did alot of things without me because I spent my spare time with my boyfriend. When I got out of junior college, I spent all my time with my boyfriend, and even while I was at work, I never joined in on the outings never went to parties, never hung around and only went on an "occasional" shopping trip, because I spent all my time either online, or with my boyfriend. And that, I think was what ultimately caused the problem that I have now.
I have felt so alone in the past weeks that it is impossible to describe the feeling. I'm not one to be afraid of being alone, but the loneliness can get sorrowful. Whenever I am alone, my mind tends to wonder and I always seem to think of bad times... and it inevitably makes me cry. I can no longer pick up the phone and call someone to talk to, because I have no one to talk to. I have no girlfriends... no one I can talk to about girly stuff... no one who can be my "sister"... simply no one at all... and that hurts.
Why this sudden onslaught? Because I spoke to one of my closest friends, Emily over ICQ today. Or she used to be one of my closest friends. We have been friends since we were 9 or 10. Over 10 years worth of friendship. We used to be "sisters" and just last year, we were working together in the same company. However, today, she was incredibly curt with me... when I asked her how she was... she was so curt, that it hurt... For a long time, she had not replied me when I sent her ICQ messages... I had attributed it to her being busy... but I guess I was lying to myself. I knew all along that I've been a terrible friend and I have not tried to be there for others... so how could they be here for me now? And when I told her about me leaving to go overseas, her reply was so cold that it nearly broke my heart. She said " That doesn't matter much to me a bit anymore. Whether you're here or not, does not make any more difference." and she also said "You just don't know how to cherish friendship"
I just don't know how to show my regrets that I have, for never keeping in contact with my friends, for forgetting their birthdays, for not being there for them... and for losing them. Some friends have actually been there for me... and today, I promise myself that I refuse to let this happen again. No matter what I will try to build up my friendships again... because in life, friends will always be very important.
My quote for today :-
Good friendships are fragile things and require as much care as any other fragile and precious thing - Randolph Bourne
and
It is a good thing to be rich, it is a good thing to be strong, but it is a better thing to be beloved of many friends. - Euripedes
Today, I've learnt a painful lesson... and I hope to remember it. I will never build my life around just one person again, because I did that for 7 years... and at the end of it, became poorer. So from today, I'm going to build up my friendships and if I fail, perhaps I shall make new ones... and keep those alive. I just hope I have the strength and courage to do that.
Historical comments (7)
Preserved from Xanga. Comments are read-only.
firstfret · 4/16/2001 12:33 PM
I have made the same mistake of letting friends drift away. It's sad to realize your own mistakes, but now you have a chance to change. I know you will do better now. You are a good person, and there are plenty of us out here who would love to be your friend.
MyxlDove · 4/16/2001 1:03 PM
Hey Liv,
I can totally relate to what you're saying. The only difference is that I was distracted with a girlfriend AND my music, which kept me away from my friends. To this day, I have one really really close male friend, because HE knew what real friendship was about, and he taught me that. I just thank God I was able to salvage the relationship before it became damage beyond repair.
One other thing I learned is that, if there's still a relationship... even a damaged one... there's a possibility it can be reconciled. Talk to your friend Emily and maybe, just maybe that friendship will start to deepen again. 10 years has got to count for something. *smile*
Be encouraged... and like firstfret said... there are plenty of people who need friends just like you.
spindoctr420 · 4/16/2001 4:40 PM
we live in a world of catch-22s. everyone is always second-guessing themselves. i understand that now you're out of this relationship and you're reflecting on what you should've could've would've done, but you've just got to learn from everything. it sounds like your taking what you need to take from the experiences. but it also seems like you're just realizing what is obvious. i've been in long relationships and put friends on the backburners. it's wrong, but it's just how it happens. the only thing i can offer you is that you shouldn't redirect your energy towards your friends. that's not accomplishing anything, that's just shifting your dependence. instead you've got to find happiness within yourself (eastern phillosphy) and detach your happiness coming from outside sources...hope I made sense.
free2live · 4/16/2001 7:58 PM
I also lost many friends over a relationship that did'nt last and was left with the regrets but it can and does get better. I wish you all of the best!
GodLike · 4/17/2001 6:15 PM
Oh, how I can empathize with you on this one. I've lost many a friends due to my life revolving around a man. I have found that when this happens, I not only lost many friends, but pieces of myself -- my identity outside the relationship, my self-esteem, my personal judgement...
Wilshak · 4/18/2001 1:27 AM
Friendships are like gardens, because you do have to work on them year round.....
brassman · 4/19/2001 6:42 PM
i'm glad you found out how important friends are, before you lost them all. i'd be lost without my friends.