Untitled entry

I've had a terribly emotionally draining day. Everything coming together, clashing on me, making me feel tied into several knots, and squeezing me into this little corner.

I met my so-called ex-boyfriend today. He walked right up to me at the train station and just stared at me. I normally don't take the train to work, but today, I happened to have to add cash to my farecard, so I went to the train station. The look he gave me, was incredulous and when he sat down next to me on the train, and started talking, I was just so scared. He was the first person, in my life, to have ever lifted a hand against me. He slapped me, once, many years back, when he felt I had betrayed him. Today, I felt that fear again, and I just couldn't wait til I got to my stop and got off the train. Even now, as I type, I am trembling. He kept asking me, why I had been avioding him and he kept wanting to know how he could contact me. I just sat there crying. All I know is that I cannot go and meet him alone, and even though I said I would call him, sometime this week, I seriously doubt I would have the strength to.

Last night, or rather, early this morning, I had a long talk with -HIM-. I finally understood something about myself. After the endless tears, and promises, I know what I have to do now, which was what I should have done in the first place. A few more days before a final decision is made. and while I wait for that day, I will try my best to contain my feelings and possibly make myself ready for what I feel will come. To be strong and not to doubt that this would be the best solution.

On top of this, I find that the silly guy Mark has decided NOT to leave tonight, and chosen to leave on Sunday. And I know it's because of me. I'm just afraid of what expectations he might have because all I can offer is my friendship, and nothing else. How could I tell a guy, who is so sincere, forthcoming and giving that I can never make a choice to stay, just because he would like me to? I don't even know what -I- want, how could I bend to what others want?

On the other hand, I had a heart-to-heart talk with my mother today, and I felt slightly better, knowing what her plans are. And she reassured me that whatever I do, she will support me as long as I am happy. It makes me happy to know that she treats me as an adult and that whatever choice I make, she will allow me to make the decisions in my life. I was faintly amused, when she revealed that she is actually looking into getting married with someone whom she has not met, but is coming to meet her next week. Ironically he is arriving on the same day my loved one is coming back. And when she spoke of him, there was such a note of happiness in her that it made me feel happy for her. I have no doubts that although it seems like it might be a silly thing, but she might actually find someone who can treasure her in her life.

My quote for today :-

"When two people love each other, they don't look at each other, they look in the same direction."
- Ginger Rogers

I am standing at the junction, with 3 people looking the other way, and I have no way of knowing who is looking in the same direction as me. I just hope my mother, who is older and wiser, has found the person who is looking in the same direction as her...