Love, Or Something Like It...

I used to believe in Forever Love.

Now I've become bitter and cynical towards Love.

I remember when I was young, I entered each relationship with passion and idealistic ideas of Love. I always thought that Love would last forever and I threw myself into each relationship with whole hearted commitment. I wanted each one to last and believed that there would always be a Happily Ever After.

How wrong I was.

Nothing is forever, especially not relationships. Each relationship will end because there are no absolutes in life. No matter how much you declare undying Love for The One, at some point, that Love will fade and what remains is a fondness for the person, a memory of the good times, a commitment to stay together or at other times, anger at the inability to maintain that loving feeling.

Falling in Love used to be easy business. Meet someone I like, flirt some, have a period of courtship, turn it into a relationship. I've been blessed in the sense that I've never encountered unreciprocated Love. Somehow, the people that I fall for always tend to like me back. Even though I've had to struggle with some of them, I've never had to deal with heartbreak due to someone not liking me in return. I thank God for that and hope I will never have to experience one-sided Love. At the same time, I also thank God for having blessed me with wonderful people in my past who have all shown me what Love is.

Love used to be -

• Waking up at odd hours of the morning just so you can take the same bus to school as the person.
• Folding thousands upon thousands of paper stars/hearts/swans as a birthday/christmas/valentines day gifts.
• Creating fancy postcards to send to radio stations so they would read out your dedication during their Love songs section.
• Keeping a diary with your thoughts and feelings for the person and exchanging diaries every weekend so you could use that to sustain you during the week.
• Skipping recess so you can talk on the phone with the person.
• Buying a significant soft toy for the person and drowning it in your perfume so they could think of you and hug it to sleep.
• Taking the bus from interchange to interchange while cuddled up at the top back row of the double decker bus with the person you love.
• Staying up until ridiculous times just so you can chat with the person, even though you'll be a zombie at school/work the next day.
• Saving every cent you have to buy something extremely extravagantly expensive, that you can't really afford, just because you know the person wants it.
• Planning surprise birthday parties for the person, including baking the birthday cake.
• Moving 10000 miles away to another country to be with the person.
• Walking in the rain, along the beach, hand in hand and feeling at the top of the world.

I used to do all of the above and so much more for all the different relationships I have been in. It always seemed like I needed to prove my Love to the person, so I proceeded to put all my energy into ensuring that I was always proving it in many ways. It was fulfilling, especially when the person reciprocated in kind. Over the years I've collected many gifts, words, memories from the different people whom have loved me and whom I have loved.

I can still remember each first touch, first hug, first kiss. Each first encounter bringing me deeper into Love. Every courtship was different, different methods, different passions, different ways of connecting, yet each one was meaningful, each one gave me hope. Every relationship had a future for me and I always had faith that we would grow old together.

But life is never a fairy tale and of course, never a bed of roses. Each relationship brought its own fair share of heartache and tears, each time breaking
me a little bit more until I've reached the point where I currently am. It takes a lot of energy to maintain a relationship and I've come to understand that sometimes Love just ain't enough.

Doing things for someone is simple. I've been there, done that. Loving someone is a much more complicated affair. Where all these romantic and grand gestures would have ensured that I would fall in love in the past, it is no longer the case now. I've become jaded, used and abused. I no longer believe in romance. Although I appreciate it, it no longer gives me that heady, whirlwind and cloud nine feeling that I used to get. Love is so much more to me now.

Love is -

• Respect
• Trust
• Commitment
• Care
• Concern
• Selflessness
• Honesty
• Patience
• Kindness
• Understanding
• Giving
• Love

Have I grown up? Or have I just grown old? I feel like I am unable to Love anymore or at least Love with the full whole hearted commitment of the past. I am afraid of being scarred again. My wounds are numerous and many still hurt. I still bleed, even from the relationships long since past.

I do not have faith any longer, I do not dare to hope. I just want to let myself go, float freely in the wind and land wherever it takes me. Maybe Love will find me again, but at this point, I won't look for it anymore.