Time & Money

How much can you fight before everything drags you down and drowns you? How much pressure can you take before the dam finally bursts?

Someone told me recently that these should be the best years of my life. Somedays I do believe that they are. When I am coherently happy, when everything seems to be going swimmingly, when my life seems to be on track, when I manage to keep on top of things and don't owe anyone anything.

Other days I'm swimming in the deep blue sea, struggling to get to shore and sometimes never really getting there. Find myself getting lost and not being able to pull myself together. No amount of comforts would pull me back to shore, when all hope is lost. I could drink myself to oblivion, soak myself to the skin under the thunderstorms, choke on all the chocolate available, maybe even smoke myself into the grave, but none of it would make any difference.

Contentment is the key to happiness. When you aren't contented, even if you were at the top of the world, you would always be wanting something more. Because of that, you will never find happiness. Is that what's happening to me now? A never ending search for a happiness that doesn't exist? All this because of my expectations in life that will never match what I am truly receiving in life? Should I then give up all things that matter and just drown myself in all that don't matter?

A client of mine has devoted her life to her career. She's in her late 30s, turning 40 soon. Doesn't have any serious relationships. Because of that, she spends the monetary rewards she has gotten on whatever she likes. She just bought a $25k Frank Muller. On top of that, she has a bunch of pets, a nice big house and a swanky car.

I don't want to keep doing this and end up that unhappy. Well, who am I to say she's unhappy, but I know that she's lonely. She may very well be content with what she has. I can't see myself there though. I love my bags (just bought a new DKNY on Sat) and shoes (still contemplating the Charles Davids I saw last week) but could they really keep me company in the dark? Could they hold my hand so I won't feel so alone? Could they give me the hug when I need it? The kiss that I yearn for? The intimacy that I'm constantly searching for?

Who am I kidding? Money CAN make alot of things in the world go round, but it cannot solve all my problems. I can't pay someone to love me. Its ironic, in whatever little time I've spent in my life being single, I've never felt as lonely as I've felt in recent times. The lack of emotional bond with the people I truly love and care for. It's like I'm swimming in the deep blue sea and can't even remotely see the shore. What can you do when the person you go to bed with each night is a stranger to you? Do you grab her and make her talk to you? Or do you just imagine you're a couple married 20 years and this is normal and you should just accept that it is going to be a fact of your life for the next 20 years?

I use to think that I was a really smart and independant girl who knew exactly what I wanted in life and how to get there. I took what I needed and got rid of whatever I didn't. I didn't depend on anyone and could always pack up and go whenever I needed to. God knows I've done it more then once. Has age really made me more reliant? Turned me into a person whom I barely recognise because I'm so afraid of letting go. Someone who is stabbornly holding on to a memory of happiness that may never exist again? Have I become a shadow of who I thought I was because of the fear that I've developed?

Have I become that girl on the streets, wandering aimlessly in the rain, tears streaming down her face with people just staring and pointing but no one really wanting to go up to her and comfort her because she just looks so pathetic and crazy?

Have I?