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THE ONE WITH NO NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION

<written on the train ride to work>

What does life mean now? is life a road that meanders around yet never actually reaches its destination? How are we meant to move on in life is if there is no goal?!

My goal in life this year is to make things happen. I want to either get paid enough for the shit that I do at this job, or get a new job that pays enough for the shit I am doing. At the rate that I am going it somehow seems very hard that I can actually move beyond this hole that has been dug. However, I really do hope to actually get things settled and start afresh. I don't want to be forever stuck in this catch-22 situation.

Money doesn't make everything good, but money does play a big part in everyone's life. It is currently the lead in the movie of my life. I know that I should feel extremely fortunate to have a roof over my head, a job to go to, enough food and drinks each day and being able to enjoy the comfort of airconditioning at night. Yet ultimately, I must admit that life is about more then the "basic" comforts or luxuries for that matter. Life is supposed to be about enjoyment, happiness, sadness, pain, boredom, but most importantly, it should be about "LIVING"

I am not living. I am existing. I exist to be part of their world. And while the world goes by, my life is flashing by as well. 19 days to my birthday... and as always, I feel sad. Yet another year has passed me by and its another year that has brought nothing but unfulfilment. Where is the love?

Will I keep moving in this direction? I cannot even begin to imagine how it would hurt me if another 25 years goes by and I realise once again that life is an exercise in futility.

<this is where i got off the train>

As I typed out what I wrote above, I realised how incoherant I had been on the train. I had been so depressed, although don't get me wrong, I'm still depressed now, but in a less obsessed manner.

For about 2 months, I had loved my job. Truly enjoyed how things had been going, truly liked how I had handled everything in a manner which was organised, well-executed and basically above reproach. And then the political backstabbing was exposed. Feel truly vulnerable now. Feel truly unhappy now. Feel that I am being slowly drained of energy by the poison set by someone's dagger...

Back home, many discoveries has made me realise that in life, no matter how much you love your family, they ultimately love other people more. That wouldn't bother me as much if they actually appreciated what you do. But as far as I can tell, my grandma doesn't... and she keeps thinking we aren't doing enough.

This is getting off to be a sucky year. WHAT ROTTEN LUCK!