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THE ONE WHERE THOUGHTS ARE SORTED OUT

Looking back over the past 2-3 weeks, I find that my life spinned out of control due to the conflicts I was feeling. Sometimes I find it is hard to continually love someone with no holds barred, when the person does not try to maintain lovable. I think I've been an unlovable person as well... And I'm sorry for that. Sorry for inflicting hurt and frustration on my friends, and sorry to myself for being so emotionally unstable that I caused such unavoidable pain.

Today, I have decided to wake up and look life in a new light. Perhaps I was trying to find someone to share my burdens, someone who could fill in the gaps that Ray has opened up in my life. I know in some ways, I am trying to obtain a better relationship, to build a better life and to make myself a happier being. However, as I move forward, I realise that it's not that easy. So instead of trying to chase my dream, I think I have to build a new dream.

Some feel that when you compromise, you are settling for 2nd best. However, it's not always possible to obtain what you want in life. You just have to learn to be contented with what you CAN achieve. The constant struggle to move forward will eventually fail because it tires us out so much. It's perhaps much easier to take things easy and not become another miserable fuck trying to get the best in everything.

I had a good dinner last nite with a good friend. Someone whom I called at 9 pm and was still in the office, just like me. I also had a huge fight with someone whom I had thought would become a good friend. Someone who had professed his sincerity in becoming the friend that I deserved. Someone whom I thought had changed to become someone worth being friends with. And BOY was I wrong... Anyhow, at least now I know. It will be easier to move forward now and not to look back at people who profess to be strong, when they are both emotionally and mentally weak.

Thank God for friends like Denny, Mark, Irene, Em, Ivan. At least I know, that with a phonecall, they would be by my side.