September 6, 2005 · 8:39 am

Untitled entry

THE ONE ABOUT 3 MEN AND A BABY

3 men in my life and I currently feel like a baby. All I really want to do is just to climb into my mothers womb and hide there, never come out again. Feel a need to do something drastic, something that will just make everyone leave me alone, let me just sink into the sea which is my own depression.

What do men want from you? Dedication? Trust? Belief? Faith? A surrender of all which is your own to become one with their ideal of a perfect woman?

I used to think I was a good partner. In every relationship which I had, I always strived to give my utmost to it. Well, maybe thats the wrong way to put it. With Terence and Ray, it was a case of me loving them. Me being the initiator, me going after my goal. I think it was only with Ixe and Ben where I was the one who was being pursued. (Where both relationships didn't last very long.) Tired of trying to put in all the effort in a relationship. Trying so hard to maintain a relationship, giving your all, giving your everything, yet not being able to feel the same in return. Looking for something different, yet not sure if I am doing it the right way. I always use to think it was easy, trying to find someone to love. But now I realise, its easy to find someone to love. Its just hard to find someone who will love you the way you want him to.

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¡°Being loved is blissful, loving is misery"

I've always been a sucker for punishment. Whenever there was a choice, I always chose the guy who I loved more then the guy who loved me more. Time and again, I find myself doing that, unable to back away from the one whom I love, because my love is always all consuming. Sometimes I wonder if its a curse, is it just meant to be this painful? This hurtful? This crazy need for sacrifice? Or is it just my inner self playing games with the child within me? The immature brat who is always say "I WANT!"

I am not making any sense. At times I find myself struggling to paint a clear picture of my life. Crossroads, you can only walk down one path. I keep walking down a path and turning back, being unable to make up my mind. Even when the path has been highlighted, with yellow bricks and red paint, I'm still strolling down it, then making a roundabout turn. People always say, you never treasure what you have until you lose it. I thought I had found myself... but perhaps I'm really losing myself instead. The real question is, do I love myself? Enough to let go of everything? Start afresh? Take the chance? Walk off the cliff?

The past, the present, the future. All walking towards me, all haunting me. Converging on a point which is my heart, tearing every sensibility within me apart.

I want to have peace. Peace of heart, peace of mind.

Historical comments (4)

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Reidia · 9/6/2005 11:31 AM

-sends a big hug-

I was once told that when GOD saw that Eve had eaten from the forbidden tree, HIS punishment was to be the worst. HIS punishment in the bible was shame.. but the more subtle, painful punishment was the fact men and women would no longer fully understand one another.

Doesnt it wanna make u smack that bitch?

ZashiaQSharr · 9/6/2005 2:14 PM

I left a comment about fate and destiny on Denny's blog. I think the same applies here. The easiest thing to do, while I was in the same state as you (sort of) was to just not think about it. Live life as you choose, just relax and let things flow. Easier said than done, I know ... but the assurance that the universe has a plan and everything will fall into place kind of helps. *hugs* I don't know what else to tell you

treehuggin_dryad · 9/6/2005 3:27 PM

AMEN REIDIA! lol and Liv it made perfect sense to me. Be yourself and you'll find someone who loves you for you. Don't let it get to you! The right one is out there somewhere *hugs*

Liziscrazyforshoes · 9/6/2005 11:43 PM

Humans are selfish. There are men who try to make you into their ideal woman when you're not, men who think you have to potential to be the ideal woman and tries subtly to mould you into that woman, then there are the men who make themselves believe that they want you cos everyone else wants a piece of you too..you know..male testosterone..competitive streak.."i'm better than him" kinda thinking..in that way, it'll be the best win..only to find out sometime later that it's not really who she is..that's when they start to slack off, get bored, and complain about being not satisfied.

I guess the point im trying to get across is that there are a whole lotta reasons behind why men are from mars and women, venus. Getting loved by someone is definitely more blissful in many ways than one, for example, you'll know for sure that you'll never be the one to hurt. But to be the one who LOVES, will be the one who hurts. That's a universal truth.

Not trying to tell you what to do here but perhaps it's time to take break from all 3 babies for the time being and find the adult you really are again. It's not easy to be surrounded by 3 different emotions and having to support and deal with it everyday. Crossroads..we all get them..but for you, you have 4 options. The three men and the option of finding yourself. Perhaps now's a good time to take crossroad number 4. Perhaps it will be easier for you to see a clearer picture when you have a better understanding of yourself before anything or anyone else.

It's always good to know that someone's there..but not when it starts to take a toll on you..and finding out that there's a price to pay..it's messed up for me to put it that way, but it's the truth. People say they don't expect..but who can deny that they really do? It's just something called self-deceit and it'll be a matter of time before they blow up. Everyone has a breaking point...and the last person i wish to see break down would be you.

You've always been a strong person and to see you weak, helpless and vulnerable makes me sad and angry at the same time at how people can be so selfish..I'm here to tell you that no matter what decision you make i'll be here to support it. But i just want you to be happy again..and free of shit to deal with. Let loose and just have someone love you the way you deserve to be loved..

If all else fails, I'll still be here.

If you decide that you're done with men and wanna explore the other side, i'm here too. =p