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THE ONE WHERE IT LOOKS TO BE FINALLY OVER

This blog started out as a way for me to keep my thoughts, when I first found myself falling in love with Ray. It has been 4.5 years since... and now, I think it may finally be over. The past 2 months or so has been a constant struggle to find within me the reason why things have degraded to this point. At some point, I really thought that I was mistaken. That he was still the ONE, that somehow I could still live with him happily ever after. It has all changed since then.

Everytime he made some progress, he would somehow manage to fuck it up and it would degrade again. Everytime I thought he was changing and that things were looking better, it would happen again. He would do something that made me realise why I had fallen out of love. The incident with the plane tickets to Perth. I had not expected him to be so daring, to engineer something of such scale, but he had. The entire cue card right out of "Love Actually", the begging that moved me so much... I fell for it, hook, line and sinker... Of course as usual, he had not thought things thru and we ended up not going... But no matter, at least he tried...

Then there were the flowers that monday morning... Again, seeing gerberas in the bouquet, made me instantly think of Audrey... and I wonder again, did he realise what he was doing...

The dinner at Olive was nice... it was a romantic evening, one which I surprisingly enjoyed. One whereby I did not feel the need to shut myself away, one where I tried to relax and let be...That weekend, I actually wondered if things were going to be better, if perhaps we were going to be able to work things out. Of course, he ruined it with that infamous sms... "Do you really want me to go or do you just want me to pay?"

So much I have done for him, so much I have sacrificed... ultimately, it comes down to this... I have loved him soo much that I have to stop before I hurt myself anymore. I admit, Chris plays a big part in helping me realise that love exists in other forms. I know that life is never a bed of roses... However,  I never expected it to twist and turn in such ways.

My heart bleeds now... For the love that I used to have for this man... for the love that I used to believe in... For the love that now will be buried forever... It was a trying night... One where I kept wondering why he could not just be the man that I had fallen in love with... It became a trying day, when he called to look for comfort, and all I could feel was irritation and anger, instead of the love and comfort I should have felt for him in his time of need. I knew then, it was over... and he finally knows it too...