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I haven't had so many crying fits in a day... Just that I've been so miserable today, my life is at it's utmost low point... When Denny called me, I simply just poured my heart out to him and cried my eyes out... I couldn't handle it any longer... Talking to Ray in the evening made me feel a bit better, but later on when I read the letters he had sent me, I missed him so much that I felt my heart would burst... I just sat there and cried and cried and wished myself to be next to him.... And again at night when my dad called, the arguments just came quick and fast and ended in tears... Even when I called my mom, talking to her just made me feel so lonely... I wish I could be with the people I love...

Been such a lonely Christmas and New Year... The thought of spending my birthday and Chinese New Year alone here in Perth is unbearable... Yet that is what my dad suggests that I do. He is of the opinion that I should remain where I am and not go gallavanting about... That of course means that he will not pay for me to fly to Singapore to spend CNY and my birthday there... He also will not approve if I did that... and considering that my dad is paying for my education and living expenses now, I can hardly go against his wishes... Yet when I spoke to my mom, she said I should do what makes me feel the most happy. I should not be making myself feel so miserable which is true... I feel utterly and totally miserable and dejected.

IF, I had money, all of my problems would go away... but I don't, so I end up worrying and suffering about it every single day. Each day that goes by is a misery and it makes me want to jump into a hole and bury myself right there and then. However, even burying myself under pillows and blankets didn't work today... it simply did not work at all...

God, give me a sign... give me a sign that miracles can happen... that things will actually get better, that my life will actually improve... Give me a sign, ANY sign and it will make me believe... For now, my faith is fast eroding and my will to survive is becoming a puddle of water...