It's been 31 months since Zoey was born and 6 months since I stopped breastfeeding. In recent months, I've been silently obsessing about losing weight. It's a tough battle for me. I've always struggled with my weight. I was never one of those naturally slim girls with enviable waistlines and gaps between their thighs. All my life, my thighs have met and happily rubbed against each other. I've always had to pull at my shorts to stop them from bunching up into my butt crack.
I actually lost a decent amount of weight after Zoey was born. The first few months were pretty good as she drank my fats away. I had started wearing my pre-pregnancy jeans about 6 months after she was born and thought the weight loss would continue. However, once she started eating solids and her frequency of nursing was reduced, the weight started coming back. Now I can't pull those jeans up past my thighs. I am a shocking 75 kgs, the same weight as just before Zoey was born.
It's no wonder a number of people have started asking me if I am pregnant again. While I wish I could say I was, nothing is further from the truth. That big tummy I have is not housing a baby. It's housing a hormonal uterus that swells up to triple its size just before my period and my uncontrollable stomach that makes me craves all sorts of foods I shouldn't be eating, all padded with lots of fat.
I think the worst part for me is looking at old photos and wondering if I will ever be a comfortable size again. Back when I first met Irene, I was a slim 45 kg. Granted that was the slimmest I had ever been, but it was also at a time when I was my unhealthiest. I was smoking a lot due to stress, I skipped a lot of meals and was also massively depressed. Over the years, I've put on weight as I became happier and healthier. I was at my happiest, healthiest and most confident when I weighed around 55 kgs. When I got pregnant was the first time I had ever crossed the 70 kg mark, but I thought that would all go away after baby was born. It did, but now it is back.
My wardrobe is filled with loads of clothes that I can't wear without looking like an over sized lump of tightly wrapped rice dumpling. I've resorted to unearthing some of my maternity clothes as backup, on days when I really feel humongous. A couple of days, when I tried on my jeans and they didn't fit, Irene immediately pounced on them, happy to add them to her list of wearables. She has lost a significant amount of fat since starting up her gym routine again this year and as she slims down, she has started wearing some of the smaller sizes while I am struggling to find the bigger sizes. We ordered clothes from Uniqlo this week and it was depressing to see her fitting into size M while I order XXL.
We've both been eating healthier, cutting carbs in favour of more protein. Her progress has been accelerated by her strict gym routine and low sugar diet. I've only reduced my sugar intake and started exercising so it seems like there is little progress so far. As I see her getting fitter and sexier, it's motivated me to start getting into shape so I don't fall too far behind.
In the meantime, people need to stop doing the following 9 things.
* Asking if I am pregnant - I am not (yet!)
* Telling me I used to be slimmer - Yes, I KNOW that (duh!)
* Telling me mommies who breastfeed lose weight faster, how come I haven't lost weight - I did lose weight, but the weight loss came back when I continued breastfeeding until Zoey turned 2. Different bodies react differently to continual breastfeeding and mine just happens to store fat.
* Telling me Irene lost weight, how come I didn't lose weight with her - It's not that simple yo!
* Asking me why I never lose weight even though I work so hard and such long hours - Working hard has no correlation with losing weight!
* Telling me how your wife/sister/friend/mother/co-worker's brother's wife's sister's auntie was back in shape within 1/3/6 months - I don't care. I know of many people who got back into shape right after giving birth. I'm just not one of them.
* Recommending me various exercise routines - Every person is different. What works for you may not work for me, especially since I need to fit it into my current lifestyle and routine. You can go do muay thai 3 times a week at 7 pm, but it's impossible for me, so stop telling me to do that.
* Telling me to go on a diet - Again, I can only do what fits into my current lifestyle and routine. I try to eat clean where possible and plan my meals in advance. Sometimes it doesn't work, but it's really not up to you to judge.
* Telling me I shouldn't eat X because it will make me fatter - I will eat that chocolate cake/french fries/bubble tea when I want to. Life is too short for me to make myself miserable by depriving myself of certain foods when I want it. They are not a daily occurrence so bugger off.
This weight loss thing is going to happen. It's just going to happen at my own pace. I don't need constant reminding that I am fat. I know that. Quit reminding me that I can't see my own feet. I'm well aware of that. I've been working on it and I can sorta see my toes now.
